Okay, so Chelsea Handler won't sign off on a s.e.x. tape so it won't be published...did anyone think she would sign off? Really?
And Levi Johnston...I just love you! That kid is hysterical.
And a HUGE "YAY!" to Starbucks for announcing that they're going to serve wine & beer! YEARS ago I mentioned that wine was needed in the retail stores and I'm so happy they finally listened!
Here's your DIRT:
Celine Dion has been admitted to a Florida hospital to prevent the early delivery of her twins. The singer is at St. Mary's Medical Center in West Palm Beach, Florida. The hospital said in a statement the admission was recommended to make sure she's near her doctors leading up to the babies' birth. / AP, DN8, USATD1
Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are settling into their new Bedford mansion and planning a Halloween party for their kids. Sources say Douglas has loved the Westchester town since filming "Fatal Attraction" there. / NYP13
Dina and Michael Lohan are heading for another showdown over Lindsay's rehab. Sources say the Betty Ford Center has upped security to keep dad Michael out at Lindsay's request during family visit time. / NYP12
Christina Aguilera split with husband Jordan Bratman after her recent career comeback fell flat, her friends say. Aguilera told pals she was "upset and frustrated" by the lukewarm response to her album, "Bionic." In other news, the singer is hanging out with DJ Samantha Ronson, she went to Hawaii for the weekend to the opening of Ian Schrager's Waikiki Edition after signing official papers to separate from Bratman. / NYP12
Elin Nordegren is cutting back on the help, even though she received a reported $110 million settlement from Tiger Woods. "She's not cheap, but she's just not throwing money around and wasting it the way some people would," a source says. "She's not acting like she hit the lottery." / DN8
Nadya Suleman's fertility doctor dangerously implanted a dozen embryos in the pregnancy that gave her octuplets, a state attorney said on Monday. / NYP22
"Jackass 3D" led the weekend box office with a $50 million debut, the biggest opening yet for the comedy franchise built on crazy stunts and antics. / AP, USATD1
NBC is giving three freshmen series, including "The Event," a full-season pickup. Besides the much-hyped thriller "The Event," the network gave a vote of confidence Monday to "Law & Order: Los Angeles" and the sitcom "Outsourced." / AP, DN64, USATD1
Jon Hamm attended a party at the AMC "Mad Men" season-four finale on Sunday night. Guest included, Christina Hendricks, Elizabeth Moss and Fred Armisen. / DN9
Rachel McAdams reveals in the latest InStyle that when she's on a movie set, love is often in the air. "I usually take away one close relationship from every job, some romantic, some not," she said. / NYP29
Fashion's elite waited in line for a half hour to get a photo with Michelle Obama at a fundraiser at Donna Karan's apartment on Monday night. Diane von Furstenberg, Harvey Weinstein and wife Georgina Chapman, Andre Leon Talley, Isaac Mizrahi, Michael Kors and Tory Burch were all in attendance. / NYP12
A s.e.x tape claiming to feature Tiger Woods actually stars Teneal Goyco, a boxer paid to pose as Woods, according to sources. Goyco says prostitute Devon James offered him $1,000 to pretend he was the golf star. "I just thought I was fulfilling this woman's fantasy of having s.e.x with Tiger Woods, as she has said she wanted," Goyco says. / NYP9
Anna Chapman and her secret-agent comrades were awarded Moscow's highest honor on Monday for their roles in the espionage scandal since the Cold War. The award, the Order of Holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called is the highest civilian and military award of the Russian Federation. / NYP10
MTV's "Teen Mom" show, which follows the lives of young, unmarried mothers, has chosen a cast for a spinoff series, sources say. It's believed that at least some of the women featured on the spinoff show have appeared on "16 and Pregnant." / NYP76
La Toya Jackson's "Celebrity Apprentice" team will be at Famous Famiglia on Broadway and West 50th street on Tuesday beginning at 11 a.m. to sell pizza for charity as one of her Donald Trump issued challenges, according to sources. Her team will charge $1,000 for a slice and $5,000 to $25,000 for a pie. / DN9
Lance Armstrong has become a father for the fifth time. "Olivia Marie Armstrong has arrived!" the Tour de France champion tweeted on Monday. / USATD1
USA Today profiles Hailee Steinfeld, who stars as Mattie Ross in the Coen brothers' remake of "True Grit," a 1969 Western that won John Wayne his only Oscar. / USATD1
Joan Rivers says she was "nervous" appearing on the TV quiz game show, "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" Rivers adds, "You don't want to look like an ass in front of the world." / USATD1
Madonna's former boyfriend was walking the red carpet with her ex-husband, Guy Ritchie, at the Ultimate Fighting Championship match at London's 02 Arena on Saturday night. / NYP12
Eva Mendes' eight year relationship with filmmaker George Gargurevich appears to be on rocks, sources say. The actress and Gargurevich have been struggling "since the summer, when she said she wasn't ready to get married." / NYP13
A gunman appeared to be trying to hit anyone who moved, as he fired upon Army personnel and civilian workers in a deadly rampage at Fort Hood last November, a military court heard on Monday. / NYP22
Jurors in the Anna Nicole Smith drug conspiracy trial are set to resume deliberations on Tuesday. The panel began their second week of talks on Monday. The six women and six men spent the day closeted in their jury room and asked no questions. / AP
Levi Johnston says there are really no qualifications to hold the job that Sarah Palin once held - that of mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Johnston, the father of Palin's grandson, was grilled on "The View" on Monday about his mayoral ambitions. / AP
A judge issued arrest warrants Monday for Randy Quaid and his wife after they failed to show up at a court hearing stemming from their arrests last month on suspicion of illegally squatting at a home, a prosecutor said. / AP
Marc Anthony was forced to cancel a Sunday night show because of a case of laryngitis. Spokeswoman Blanca Lasalle says a doctor ordered him to reset his voice for 48 hours. / AP
Jon Farriss, drummer of INXS band talks about the groups' new album, "Original Sin," out Jaunary 11, in an interview with USA Today. The record will include artists, John Mayer, Ben Harper, Rob Thomas and more. / USATD1
Barbara Walters scolded Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg on Monday for walking off the "View" last week during a heated argument with Bill O'Reilly. / NYP77
Jamal Rashead, a contestant on VH1's "I Love New York 2" was sentenced to 50 years to life in a San Francisco court last Friday. He was found guilty of first-degree murder and being a felon in possession of a gun in the 2007 slaying of a man in San Francisco. / NYP76
Chelsea Handler's s.e.x tape will not be released. After four months of being shopped around, the tape is dead because the 35-year-old host is refusing to sign off on the tape's sale, which would cause legal problems for the person who's trying to cast in on it. / NYP76
Gabrielle Union says she has an in with President Obama. "We have so many mutual friends from Harvard Law, like Hill Harper," she says / NYP12
Bill Murray, Sigourney Weaver, Ryan Reynolds, Halle Berry, Alan Ball, Kristin Bauer and Blake Lively were just a handful of the many luminaries who showed up to tape Spike's lovefest for sci-fi, comics, horror and fantasy films. / NYP66
Sirius XM has launched a limited-run Elton John channel, featuring an all-Elton lineup through Friday at 3 a.m. / DN66
"Rushmore" director Wes Anderson was shocked to learn that his college alma mater's literature magazine recently republished a story he wrote in the 80s without telling him. / DN9
Greg Norman is engaged to Kirsten Kutner, the woman with whom Norman's first wife, Laura Andrassy, claims he had an affair with while she married to the golfer. / NYP16
Prince had handlers combing Manhattan for the appropriate purple ankle socks to wear at his press conference at the Apollo last Thursday. / DN9
Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are settling into their new Bedford mansion and planning a Halloween party for their kids. Sources say Douglas has loved the Westchester town since filming "Fatal Attraction" there. / NYP13
Dina and Michael Lohan are heading for another showdown over Lindsay's rehab. Sources say the Betty Ford Center has upped security to keep dad Michael out at Lindsay's request during family visit time. / NYP12
Christina Aguilera split with husband Jordan Bratman after her recent career comeback fell flat, her friends say. Aguilera told pals she was "upset and frustrated" by the lukewarm response to her album, "Bionic." In other news, the singer is hanging out with DJ Samantha Ronson, she went to Hawaii for the weekend to the opening of Ian Schrager's Waikiki Edition after signing official papers to separate from Bratman. / NYP12
Elin Nordegren is cutting back on the help, even though she received a reported $110 million settlement from Tiger Woods. "She's not cheap, but she's just not throwing money around and wasting it the way some people would," a source says. "She's not acting like she hit the lottery." / DN8
Nadya Suleman's fertility doctor dangerously implanted a dozen embryos in the pregnancy that gave her octuplets, a state attorney said on Monday. / NYP22
"Jackass 3D" led the weekend box office with a $50 million debut, the biggest opening yet for the comedy franchise built on crazy stunts and antics. / AP, USATD1
NBC is giving three freshmen series, including "The Event," a full-season pickup. Besides the much-hyped thriller "The Event," the network gave a vote of confidence Monday to "Law & Order: Los Angeles" and the sitcom "Outsourced." / AP, DN64, USATD1
Jon Hamm attended a party at the AMC "Mad Men" season-four finale on Sunday night. Guest included, Christina Hendricks, Elizabeth Moss and Fred Armisen. / DN9
Rachel McAdams reveals in the latest InStyle that when she's on a movie set, love is often in the air. "I usually take away one close relationship from every job, some romantic, some not," she said. / NYP29
Fashion's elite waited in line for a half hour to get a photo with Michelle Obama at a fundraiser at Donna Karan's apartment on Monday night. Diane von Furstenberg, Harvey Weinstein and wife Georgina Chapman, Andre Leon Talley, Isaac Mizrahi, Michael Kors and Tory Burch were all in attendance. / NYP12
A s.e.x tape claiming to feature Tiger Woods actually stars Teneal Goyco, a boxer paid to pose as Woods, according to sources. Goyco says prostitute Devon James offered him $1,000 to pretend he was the golf star. "I just thought I was fulfilling this woman's fantasy of having s.e.x with Tiger Woods, as she has said she wanted," Goyco says. / NYP9
Anna Chapman and her secret-agent comrades were awarded Moscow's highest honor on Monday for their roles in the espionage scandal since the Cold War. The award, the Order of Holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called is the highest civilian and military award of the Russian Federation. / NYP10
MTV's "Teen Mom" show, which follows the lives of young, unmarried mothers, has chosen a cast for a spinoff series, sources say. It's believed that at least some of the women featured on the spinoff show have appeared on "16 and Pregnant." / NYP76
La Toya Jackson's "Celebrity Apprentice" team will be at Famous Famiglia on Broadway and West 50th street on Tuesday beginning at 11 a.m. to sell pizza for charity as one of her Donald Trump issued challenges, according to sources. Her team will charge $1,000 for a slice and $5,000 to $25,000 for a pie. / DN9
Lance Armstrong has become a father for the fifth time. "Olivia Marie Armstrong has arrived!" the Tour de France champion tweeted on Monday. / USATD1
USA Today profiles Hailee Steinfeld, who stars as Mattie Ross in the Coen brothers' remake of "True Grit," a 1969 Western that won John Wayne his only Oscar. / USATD1
Joan Rivers says she was "nervous" appearing on the TV quiz game show, "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" Rivers adds, "You don't want to look like an ass in front of the world." / USATD1
Madonna's former boyfriend was walking the red carpet with her ex-husband, Guy Ritchie, at the Ultimate Fighting Championship match at London's 02 Arena on Saturday night. / NYP12
Eva Mendes' eight year relationship with filmmaker George Gargurevich appears to be on rocks, sources say. The actress and Gargurevich have been struggling "since the summer, when she said she wasn't ready to get married." / NYP13
A gunman appeared to be trying to hit anyone who moved, as he fired upon Army personnel and civilian workers in a deadly rampage at Fort Hood last November, a military court heard on Monday. / NYP22
Jurors in the Anna Nicole Smith drug conspiracy trial are set to resume deliberations on Tuesday. The panel began their second week of talks on Monday. The six women and six men spent the day closeted in their jury room and asked no questions. / AP
Levi Johnston says there are really no qualifications to hold the job that Sarah Palin once held - that of mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Johnston, the father of Palin's grandson, was grilled on "The View" on Monday about his mayoral ambitions. / AP
A judge issued arrest warrants Monday for Randy Quaid and his wife after they failed to show up at a court hearing stemming from their arrests last month on suspicion of illegally squatting at a home, a prosecutor said. / AP
Marc Anthony was forced to cancel a Sunday night show because of a case of laryngitis. Spokeswoman Blanca Lasalle says a doctor ordered him to reset his voice for 48 hours. / AP
Jon Farriss, drummer of INXS band talks about the groups' new album, "Original Sin," out Jaunary 11, in an interview with USA Today. The record will include artists, John Mayer, Ben Harper, Rob Thomas and more. / USATD1
Barbara Walters scolded Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg on Monday for walking off the "View" last week during a heated argument with Bill O'Reilly. / NYP77
Jamal Rashead, a contestant on VH1's "I Love New York 2" was sentenced to 50 years to life in a San Francisco court last Friday. He was found guilty of first-degree murder and being a felon in possession of a gun in the 2007 slaying of a man in San Francisco. / NYP76
Chelsea Handler's s.e.x tape will not be released. After four months of being shopped around, the tape is dead because the 35-year-old host is refusing to sign off on the tape's sale, which would cause legal problems for the person who's trying to cast in on it. / NYP76
Gabrielle Union says she has an in with President Obama. "We have so many mutual friends from Harvard Law, like Hill Harper," she says / NYP12
Bill Murray, Sigourney Weaver, Ryan Reynolds, Halle Berry, Alan Ball, Kristin Bauer and Blake Lively were just a handful of the many luminaries who showed up to tape Spike's lovefest for sci-fi, comics, horror and fantasy films. / NYP66
Sirius XM has launched a limited-run Elton John channel, featuring an all-Elton lineup through Friday at 3 a.m. / DN66
"Rushmore" director Wes Anderson was shocked to learn that his college alma mater's literature magazine recently republished a story he wrote in the 80s without telling him. / DN9
Greg Norman is engaged to Kirsten Kutner, the woman with whom Norman's first wife, Laura Andrassy, claims he had an affair with while she married to the golfer. / NYP16
Prince had handlers combing Manhattan for the appropriate purple ankle socks to wear at his press conference at the Apollo last Thursday. / DN9
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